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THEMA: Frage

Subject 10 Mai 2011 19:55 #121

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the pl ane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

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Subject 10 Mai 2011 19:53 #122

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.

So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"

The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"

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Subject 10 Mai 2011 18:26 #123

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The Mexican Maid.
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
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She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase ?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
- Wife: "Who said you iron better than me ?"
- Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
- Wife: "Oh yeah ?"
- Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
- Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?"
- Maria: "Jor hozban did."
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- Wife increasingly agitated:
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"Oh he did did he ???"
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- Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
- Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
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- "And did my husband say that as well ?"
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- Maria: "No Señora......."
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- "The gardener did."
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- Wife: "So how much do you want ?"
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Subject 19 Apr 2011 17:53 #124

Das hab ich eben grad gelesen:
Genitiv ins Wasser, weil es Dativ ist.


Viele Grüße

Helge
Der Weg ist das Ziel!

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Subject 19 Apr 2011 16:38 #125

nicht schlecht!! hahaha.

lg

sonja
  • Sonja
  • Autor

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Subject 19 Apr 2011 16:10 #126

schön!!
Nein !
Doch !
Oooohhhh !

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Subject 19 Apr 2011 11:30 #127

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ONLY AT WALMART

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He
pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results.

He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart .
-

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Subject 15 Apr 2011 13:39 #128

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Leistungsgefälle
The best flow chart ever......
I've Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
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-
When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes ...
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Subject 29 Mär 2011 10:16 #129

Sohn: “Mama, ich will die Wurst nicht mehr”
Er ist im Begriff die Reste seiner Bratwurst wegzuwerfen.
Mutter (bestürzt) : “Nein Justin! Das isst du jetzt noch auf! In der Pelle sind doch die ganzen Vitamine!”


Viele Grüße

Helge
Der Weg ist das Ziel!

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Subject 28 Mär 2011 12:09 #130

kartoffelinnen!! hahaha! sehr geil....

lg

sonja
  • Sonja
  • Autor

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Subject 27 Mär 2011 14:34 #131

Schön!
Es gab auch mal ein Dokument zur deutschen Rechtschreibung.

Ein Bericht zum schlechten Abschneiden der deutschen Schulen bei der PISA Studie:
Die PISA-Studie
Die Ursachen sind nun aufgeklärt.
Die ultimative sozihistorische Ursachenanalyse zum schlechten Abschneiden des deutschen Schulsystems liegt nun vor.

Es folgen Auszüge aus 
der Originalfassung 
der Ursachenanalyse !!
Realschule 1960
Aufgabe:
Ein Bauer verkauft einen 
Sack Kartoffeln für DM 50,-. 
Die Erzeugerkosten betragen DM 40,-. Berechne den Gewinn !

Sekundarschule 1970
Ein Bauer verkauft einen 
Sack Kartoffeln für DM 50,-. 
Die Erzeugerkosten betragen vier Fünftel des Erlöses. Wie hoch ist der Gewinn des Bauern? 
Rechenschieber nicht erlaubt!

1980 Korrektur der Formulierung (Neuauflage)
Ein/e Bauer/in verkauft eine/n 
Sack/in Kartoffeln/innen einem/er Kunden/in für DM 50,-. 
Die Erzeuger/innen -kosten betragen vier Fünftel/innen des Erlöses. Wie hoch ist der/die Gewinn/in des/der Bauern/in? 

Keine Taschenrechner/innen verwenden !

1990 Gymnasium
Ein Agrarökonom verkauft eine Menge subteraner Solanum tuberasum für eine Menge Geld (=G). G hat die Mächtigkeit 50. Für die Elemente aus G=g gilt g=0. Die Menge der Herstellungskosten (=H) ist um zehn Elemente weniger mächtig als die Menge G. Zeichnen Sie ein Bild der Menge H als Teilmenge G und kennzeichnen Sie die Lösungsmenge X gemäß folgender Frage: Wie mächtig ist der Gewinn.

Freie Waldorfschule 1995
Male einen Sack Kartoffeln und singe ein Lied dazu !

Integrierte Gesamtschule 1999
Ein Bauer verkauft einen Sack Kartoffeln für EUR 50,-. 
Die Erzeugerkosten betragen EUR 40,-. Der Gewinn beträgt EUR 10,-. Unterstreiche das Wort „Kartoffeln“ 
und diskutiere mit deinen Mitschülern aus den anderen Kulturkreisen darüber.
Waffen sind dabei nicht erlaubt !

Schule 2005 (nach der Bildungs- und Rechtschreibreform)
ein agrarinschinör fergauft ein sagg gartoffeln für 25 euro. die kosden bedragen 5 euro. der gewinn bedregt 20 euro. 
aufgabe: margire den term gardoffeln und maile die lösung im pdf-format 
an: Diese E-Mail-Adresse ist vor Spambots geschützt! Zur Anzeige muss JavaScript eingeschaltet sein!

Jor 2010
sorrie, es gipt kaine gardoffeln mehr !
nur noch pom frit bei mec donnelts !
es lebe der fortschridd !


Viele Grüße

Helge
Der Weg ist das Ziel!

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Subject 27 Mär 2011 14:12 #132

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European English:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union
rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Alles klar???
-
-
Umsetzung durch unseren Kommissar
-

-

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Subject 26 Mär 2011 10:36 #133

It's not a good story! It's a true story! I was No. 3!


Viele Grüße

Helge
Der Weg ist das Ziel!

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Subject 26 Mär 2011 10:31 #134

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
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Subject 24 Mär 2011 18:43 #135

Und es gibt doch eine Wiedergeburt. Zum Glück werden despotische Diktatoren des frühen 20 Jahrhunderts in nunmehr ungefährlicher Lebensform wiedergeboren.

M.

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Subject 24 Mär 2011 16:08 #136

Nein !
Doch !
Oooohhhh !

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Subject 09 Mär 2011 10:11 #137

...
'Nope..just when it's raining.'

Marvellous!


Viele Grüße

Helge
Der Weg ist das Ziel!

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Subject 09 Mär 2011 09:56 #138

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nude runner
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run
right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along
beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

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Subject 15 Feb 2011 10:04 #139

1 tequila
2 tequilas
3 tequilias
4 teklias
5 telkiakas
6 telquigas
7 teqikigdas
8 tikigsos
9 tikigikadesras
10 tequikadergeidetasotrekas....


Viele Grüße

Helge
Der Weg ist das Ziel!

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Subject 22 Jan 2011 16:57 #140

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lesen (ver-)bildet
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